The people that we surround ourselves with say a lot about who we are. For you to choose certain people to be close to, there has to be a certain level of similarity among all of you. Human beings usually choose what is similar to them, not many people choose to be with people who they have nothing in common with. We seek familiarity because that is a safe zone for us. We choose certain people because there are things about them that seem very familiar to us, albeit at a subconscious level. We want security, comfort, a sense of being accepted, we want certain needs to be met, and who better to offer us such except people whom we feel a level of familiarity with.
When two people embark on any journey in life, there must be some sort of agreement between them. It does not have to be a verbal agreement, it may be a certain aspect of the other person’s life that we agree with, it may be something about the other person that we feel we can relate to, it may be a void within us that we somehow think that the other person can fulfill, it may be a certain level of dysfunction in our lives that attracts us to the dysfunction of the other person because we can relate to it at a subconscious level. For people to move forward in a friendship or a relationship, usually there is something about them that unites them together. However, sadly many people are united at a negative sinful level. When a person has grown up in a dysfunctional family or society, they somehow think that is normal. Because of that, they end up attracting dysfunctional people into their lives and build dysfunctional relationships.
When two people enter into a relationship, the initially stages are usually good. However, as time goes on, if their union was built on a wrong foundation, the cracks start appearing and soon that relationship comes crumbling down. When a relationship falls, most people start pointing fingers at one another. During such times, the true colors of people start coming to the surface. During the course of a relationship, many people try their best to project a positive image to the other person in order to be accepted. Such false images that many people try to project are usually not sustainable because usually it is all an act and that is not who they really are. The true colors of such people are usually manifest best when that relationship they were trying to hold on to with their act comes falling down. Many people end up justifying their sinful behaviors by saying that they no longer have anything to lose and thus they can say and do anything to the other person. Others blame the other person for whom they have turned out to be. However, all those are efforts to justify themselves in order to appear as the innocent party. The truth is, the fruit of a person’s life is what reveals who that person is, no matter how long they may have tried to masquerade as ‘nice’ people. “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit” Matthew 7:18.
During such times of relationship or friendship breakdown, instead of pointing a blaming finger at the other person, ask yourself what attracted you to that person. For you to be friends with or in a relationship with the other person, there must be a point of agreement between or among you. That agreement in most cases is not verbal, it usually is a certain mindset that is similar between the people who are coming together in a friendship or a relationship. The mind is part of the soul. Thus, the souls of two people walking together in life are usually in agreement, mostly at a subconscious level. There is something in your heart that agreed with the heart of the other person, and because of that agreement, you allowed them access into your life. For two people to agree, their hearts are usually in agreement about the step they are about to make together. You cannot walk together with another person except if you are in agreement. “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Will a lion roar in the forest, when he has no prey? Will a young lion cry out of his den, if he has caught nothing? Will a bird fall into a snare on the earth, where there is no trap for it? Will a snare spring up from the earth, if it has caught nothing at all? If a trumpet is blown in a city, will not the people be afraid? If there is calamity in a city, will not the Lord have done it?” Amos 3:3-6. Therefore, instead of blaming the other person for all the hurt they have caused in your life, search your heart and ask God to reveal to you aspects in you that are not in alignment with His Word.
If you yoke yourself with a sinner, that shows that there may still be sin in your life. If someone somehow convinced you to fornicate or commit adultery with them, that shows that you are still not submitted to God. For you to agree to commit sin means that your heart is still not surrendered to the Lord and you are still harboring sin in your life. If it were not so, then the moment someone mentioned or even suggested engaging in immorality, you would have fled. If you did not, and you willingly participated in sin, stop blaming the other person, separate yourself from them and start seeking God. Repent to God and renew your mind with the Word of God. Spend time with God in prayer, study and meditate on His Word, ask Him to renew your mind through Christ Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. “But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness” Ephesians 4:20-24.
Most of the time we are attracted to certain people because we have certain aspects of our lives or wounds that are yet to be healed. Maybe you were brought up in an abusive family and now you find yourself being with abusive people. Maybe you were sexually assaulted and now you find yourself engaging in all sorts of immorality. Maybe your father was not present in your life and now you find yourself being involved with people who provide a sense of a father figure but they end up requiring you to sin with them, or maybe your father did not do a good job being a dad and now you are involved with people who have a certain aspect of them similar to your father, usually a negative or sinful aspect. Maybe your esteem was so crushed as you were growing up and now you hate yourself and think that you do not deserve anything good, and as a result, you end up attracting predatory abusive people into your life. Maybe you were brought up poor and now you see rich people as better than you and you would even give your body to a rich person just to have that aspect you lacked when growing up. These things and much more usually determine the people we allow into our lives. We usually end up allowing people into our lives who will provide what we missed, or who will be the opposite of what we have experienced, but sadly, the same experiences we may have been trying to avoid usually end up recurring, maybe in a slightly different manner than what we went through, but even though different, still the same.
Until and unless you are healed, you will keep doing the same thing over and over again. You will keep getting involved with the same type of people because your mindset is still the same. If you think like the world, then you will see no problem engaging in sin and you will keep being involved with people who will drive you deeper into sin because you agree at that level. Even if you leave the old friends in an effort to get new ones, if your mind is not renewed, you will attract new friends who are very much like the old. If your soul is lost in sin, you will walk in life with other people who are lost in this world. If you want a spouse while you are still being ruled by the flesh, then you will end up being involved with a lust-filled person who sees no problem sinning against the Holy God. If you tell such a person that fornication and adultery is sin, they will laugh in your face and wonder what you are saying because sin is part of their lives and they see no problem engaging in sin. If you still continue being with such a person, soon the will pull you down the slippery slope of sexual immorality and you will end up being destroyed unless you come into salvation. “Flee from sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body” 1 Corinthians 6:18.
God is the only One who can heal the human soul. Too may people in this world have been wounded through their journey in life. After a hurtful incident many people push that into the back of their minds, thinking that if they forget then they are okay. They do not realize that whatever they push at the back of their minds is actually stored in their hearts. Then with time, they will start making all the wrong decisions in their lives and start wondering why they seem to be stagnating. They do not realize that the hurts and sin they pushed back is affecting their current decisions at a subconscious level. If you have faced any sort of trauma in your life, unless you seek the healing that comes only from God, then you will end up wondering why you make one step forward and then two steps backwards. You will keep going round and round unless you decide to stop, ask God to search your heart and reveal to you anything within you that does not please Him and that is still not healed. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” Psalm 139:23-24. There are some wounds we have forgotten yet they still affect us. Just because you have forgotten something does not mean that that aspect of your life is healed. If you find yourself at a roadblock, repeating the same mistakes over and over, relating with the same type of people over and over who end up pulling you down, then realize that possibly there is a certain part of your heart that is not right with God. Take it to God in prayer, He is faithful, and when you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. The Holy Spirit will reveal to you many things that you did not even know existed within you.
When your mind is renewed, it means your thoughts are aligned with the Word of God. It means that you call sin for what it is and you do not try to justify your sin or other people’s sin. It means that if someone approaches you and tries to lead you into sin, you resist them upfront and you do not try to please them. If what they want you to say or do does not please God, then you refuse to go along with it. When your mind is renewed, you start thinking in accordance to the Word of God. You realize that God’s Word is the only source of truth and if anyone approaches you with suggestions that go contrary to what you know is true, then you decide that you will not continue entertaining that person. When your mind is renewed, you have a change of heart, what you once thought was good, you now see it for what it is. That person who you thought was so nice, you start seeing them for who they really are. If that person is a sinner, you see them for who they really are, you pray for them that soon they will come to the knowledge of Christ. With a changed mind, the things of the world no longer impress you, the charms used by the people of the world no longer mean anything to you, the honey-coated words no longer move you because you see them for what they are. The ‘confidence’ of the people of the world that used to fascinate you, now you see it for what it really is, pride and arrogance. That person who pretended to love you, you see them for who they really are; maybe the person was jealous, maybe they were abusive, maybe they were very perverted, maybe they were liars, backbiters and slanderous, maybe they were very insecure and that is why they tried to bring you down – you stop justifying the actions of other people who are living in sin, you stop calling that sin-laden unrepentant person ‘good’.
When we receive healing, then we are able to make different and better choices in life. When we are made whole by God, then we no longer seek validation and acceptance from other people, we no longer attract people in our lives with whom our dysfunctional pasts remind us of, we no longer accept to engage in sin with other people. Our choices are no longer affected by our past but by the Word of God. When you are whole and healed, you are able to choose whole and healed people. The people you start walking with reflect your new mindset. You are no longer with people to fill your voids, you now know that only God can heal and fill those voids present in our hearts. You no longer seek validation from people, you know that you are loved by God with an everlasting love in Christ Jesus. You no longer seek people with whom you relate with in sinful brokenness because now you are pursuing holiness and righteousness, and the people you now want to relate with are those who are also pursuing God. You no longer seek friendships from a place of rejection or seeking acceptance, you seek friends who are at the same level or higher level than you, people who know who they are in Christ Jesus, not attention seekers. You no longer seek relationships with people who you just want to use to fulfill needs and voids in your heart, or relationships involving taking without giving, or people who bring dysfunction into your life; but now you seek healthy relationships with a person who is submitted to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. When you are whole, healed, and firmly rooted in God, you no longer seek friendships and relationships from a worldly perspective, you go to God’s Word to be guided on how to approach such situations. You realize that you would rather be single than sin with a person just to secure a relationship. You realize that if you are not equally yoked with that friend, then you can go nowhere together because you are not in agreement.
Do not try to convince people that they should be your friends. Do not keep friendships with people who are leading you into sin; people who are living a sinful lifestyle. Do not try to prove your loyalty or love to another person by sinning; love never leads someone into sin. Do not try to hold onto people who neither love you nor love God, people who are mistreating you and demeaning you. Never agree to be married to someone who is not a born-again Christ-following believer. Do not entertain friendships with people who you know that they do not fear God. It is better to walk alone than be with people who are leading you away from God. Do not be in agreement with people who are carnal, who have no regard for righteousness and holiness. Take your stand, decide to live for God and obey His commandments, and with time, He will bring people into your life who fear Him and who will love you with the love of God.
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘ I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people'” 2 Corinthians 6:14-16.